Being Queer & Dating in the New Millennium: Part 3 - Gay Dating Apps | Stillfrisky

Top 10 Gay Dating Apps

(last week we discussed how difficult it has been to meet someone outside the drug and booze infested “Gay Scene”…well, up until now…)

There’s an App for That!

And then there was a glimmer of hope! With the advent of space phones (I refrain from calling them “smart” because my iPhone is a C student, at best), our world has become driven by mobile applications, lovingly called apps. There’s an app for cooking, an app for viewing the stars, there’s even an app that will translate your language into spoken word to let you communicate abroad. And… wait for it… there’s an app for gay dating… several, in fact.

But are they all they’re cracked up to be? Are they the solution to the “scene” bloat? Hell no. But they are not without their merit.

This advent of openly broadcasting yourself seems to be relegated solely to the gay male community. To my knowledge, there are few, if any, mobile applications marketed toward lesbian, transgender, or bi-sexual women; none that have survived or been monetized or marketed well, anyway. For the sake of this blog post, and since I’m a homosexual man, I’m going to focus on this demographic for now.

While these apps do provide the ability to filter or ignore/block individuals with ease who don’t meet standards or simply creep you out, they proliferate and even intensify the dominance of the NSA, DTF, FWB, etc., scene. Upon opening the app for the first time, even before you can get a picture uploaded or your height and weight entered, you are liable to get a “Looking?” message from a headless torso who looks like he lives in the sauna of the local 24 Hour Fitness. Yuck! And then there’s always my favorite: the man in his 50s saying he’s 26 with a picture of himself holding a gerbil standing next to a washing machine. I mean, what does that even mean?!

Gay dating apps come in varied forms and attract all sub-cultures of gay men.

Some apps are proximity apps that show you, using GPS, all of the other app users within a certain mile radius of you like Grindr and Scruff. Some apps allow you to like, fave, wink, or woof, at other guys whom you’re interested in. And some apps act like traditional online dating profiles that don’t show proximity at all like OkCupid! (which, incidentally, is open to all genders, sexes, and orientations).

Every app on the market uses a profile picture as the primary filter. Users scroll through a sometimes-endless stream of tiled images and, when you find one you like, you tap it to view the full profile. This has led, or at least encouraged, what is commonly referred to as an “Adonis Culture” where gay men obsess over how their bodies look and are presented to the app communities and those who don’t have perfect abs and flawless features develop Body Dysmorphic Disorders; another topic for another day.

One good thing has come out of it: anonymous communication without the threat of retaliation although it is not perfect.

It’s obvious that if someone is using the app, they’re surely also a gay man. So the water is clear and men, like myself, are free to openly flirt and break the ice without fear of being embarrassed or physically threatened. I would mark this as a positive improvement albeit a bit detached and impersonal at times. This freedom does come with a downside, however. It is not unprecedented to have an unsolicited and highly explicit image sent without warning… and they expect reciprocation. I just block them immediately, but it’s definitely common.

It’s Not All Bad…

I know it sounds disgusting and a tad on the creepy side, but it’s not impossible to find the diamond in the rough. I know that’s a lame cliché, but it’s the truth. There are limitations in dating in the queer world, less so than in the past, but no matter who you are, what orientation you are, and what sub-culture you identify with, there are many opportunities available.

It may be a daunting task to get out of your shell to go out to a club or a bar (if that’s your scene) or to cope with the annoying and incessant virtual cat-calls on a mobile application, but there’s hope yet. If someone is looking to find you in the sea of crazy, this is how they’re going to find you and it would a tragedy to miss the opportunity presented to you. So gather your sexiest selfies, refine your “About Me” skills, decide how high you wish to set your standards, and get out there to find your future!!

(last week we discussed how difficult it has been to meet someone outside the drug and booze infested “Gay Scene”…well, up until now…) There’s an App for That! And then there was a glimmer of hope! With the advent of … Continue reading

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tantra goddess

The journey will be hard and will require focus, but it will be so worth it!

(a continuation from page 1 of Simone’s diary)

Below are the steps I will need to take to become a Tantric sex goddess as outlined in my readings:

1. Learn to nurture my body and soul in order to love myself fully so I can share myself with another (I am hoping this means: eating chocolate cake while listening to music and lying on the beach)

2. Learn to connect with myself and my partner as an energy body. (Yes, this does sound very hippy-ish)

3.  Enliven my senses, perform rituals and step out of my comfort zone

4.  Awaken my desire

5  Sexual healing – unblocking the flow of energy

6. Breathing techniques and visualizations to transfer energy

7. Learn to pleasure myself (Can’t I just skip to this?) and your lover and extending orgasms that can lead to multiple orgasms!!! Bring it on!

Through Tantra, I hope I will learn to experience sex as energies flowing together like a beautiful river in the sunlight. I will not lie to you from what I have researched so far, this will be a bit of a hike before I get to swim in the flowing river of love however I think it will be fun and worth it.

I am hoping to find a connection that I have always craved and to find true joy in making love by awakening my senses and my energy whilst being showered with intense pleasure! I want to encapsulate a goddess like confidence and to dispel all insecurities about myself so when I am with my lover I am able to give and receive with an open heart and a clear mind.

Another invitation

I would love for you to join me on this journey of sexual discovery, let’s unite and make our personal world a sexy, connected, satisfied place to live.  I shall do the research, and I will gladly use my body, mind and soul to experiment. I will share with you honestly my personal experiences along with educational information in my weekly blog.

I would love for you to be part of this: if you are inspired by what you read, then please share your thoughts, if you are already a Tantra God/Goddess and you have experiences, stories and tips to share then please do! I will look forward to learning from them.

Thank you for taking precious time out of your day to be part of this, for now I am off to work on Step 1: Nurture myself with chocolate cake and a cup of tea!

Namaste darlings, till next week, ta-ta.

 

(a continuation from page 1 of Simone’s diary) Below are the steps I will need to take to become a Tantric sex goddess as outlined in my readings: 1. Learn to nurture my body and soul in order to love … Continue reading

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Gay Marriage

Oh How Times Have Changed…But how have the shifts in perspective affected the dating culture in queer communities?

(In last week’s article I ended the discussion with this point, “As Labeling Theory would argue the queer community became the stereotype they’d been accused of being and the public perception grew more and more negative as the queer community was forced…further underground all the while fanning the flame of hatred in society.” Click Here for Part 1)

Oh How Times Have Changed

In contemporary culture, being queer is generally becoming more accepted in society. Queer men and women are able to freely live their lives without much fear of retribution or retaliation from their society or occupation and with a greatly diminished government influence. But how have the shifts in perspective affected the dating culture in queer communities?

Surprisingly, little has changed.

While being queer is no longer perceived to be negative in mainstream America, there are still many individuals and micro-societies that remain strongly abrasive and queer individuals often remain reluctant to openly share their sexual orientation or gender identity with a stranger. It’s not to say that some aren’t comfortable being queer (although this is still often the case), but it is out of safety and avoiding confrontation that many remain secretive or conservative with whom they trust.

While a heterosexual man or woman may feel free to openly flirt or boldly profess their attraction to a prospective partner, queer individuals consistently run the risk of a confrontation or embarrassment if they were to act so boldly. A homosexual man, for example, who decides to buy another man a drink at a bar, or slip his number on a napkin, runs the risk of verbal confrontation; he is also not without risk of physical violence if the individual receiving the compliment were heterosexual with a psychological predisposition to defend his masculinity with brute force.

Unfortunately, the ‘safest’ choice to meet a love-interest is in the wild “Gay Scene”

With this still-necessary caution in mind, queer individuals remain secretive in how they go about exploring possibilities in finding a partner. So, the remaining channels of fellowship remain as they’ve always been: gay bars, gay nightclubs, mutual acquaintances, micro-groups, etc., albeit with less suppressed sexuality and a more mature and educated mindset. For those who choose these channels, they often adopt a culture similar but only slightly less suppressed as their sociological progenitors. This culture is often referred to as the “scene” and to more conservative and mature individuals, such as myself, this culture is offensive and is perceived to only be attractive to others who are less inclined to seek adult, mature, monogamous LTR, or Long-Term Relationships.

The “scene” typically consists of those who are DTF (Down to F**k) and are more interested in NSA (No Strings Attached) sexual encounters, “Discrete” (typically reserved for married and/or “closeted” individuals) interactions, or FWB (Friends with Benefits). “Scene” also could refer to individuals who love to drink heavily, do drugs, and dance into the wee hours of the night. These “Party Monsters” are usually lacking in maturity level sufficient to actively and equally participate in an adult, monogamous relationship. “Scene” is a derogatory term to many in the queer community; sadly, it is the “scene” that is referenced when anti-queer arguments point out the brazen, flagrant “immorality” that is being used to propagate anti-equality lobbying.

There is understandably a real fear in flirting with people outside ‘the Scene’

So with the “scene” sub-culture almost inevitably bloated with, in my opinion, unworthy prospective partners, very little is left for queer folk, like myself, to seek a loving and fulfilling partnership. And, again, like myself, the anti-scene crowd tends to not broadcast themselves so publicly (for fear of being stereotyped) making it irritatingly difficult to seek out potential partners who share their perspective and ideals.

(Next Thursday’s discussion will be about the ‘Ray of Hope’ in the dating scene as I conclude my article, “Being Queer & Dating in the New Millennium”)

(In last week’s article I ended the discussion with this point, “As Labeling Theory would argue the queer community became the stereotype they’d been accused of being and the public perception grew more and more negative as the queer community was … Continue reading

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